A week in the life of a MS4, edition 2 (August 19 - 25)

Yesterday: Rough.  Very rough.  Lots of tears from patients and nearly some from me too.  Got feedback on how I've been doing on the rotation.  Mostly good, some not so good.  Ate a bowl of cereal for dinner as there was no energy for anything else.

Today: So much better.  Got to scrub into a pretty wonky [and awesome] c-section.  Tripped on my own shoes when walking around the table to put in closing stitches.  Broke scrub when the nurse [who I adore] reached up to catch me.  Thankfully the atending had already left the room and the residents still let me close once I was re-gowned and gloved.  Got lots of complements in clinic.  Intuited a much needed hug from a staff member who seemed very appreciative when I asked if she wanted one.  Small achievements make me feel like a rock star!  Pretty sure this sub-i is inducing some type of manic/depression emotional roller coaster.... oh well.

Tomorrow: Responsible for 2 presentations.  1 is a formal hour long thing for the whole maternal fetal medicine department, the other is a quick 5 minute topic on patient care that I will likely filibuster.  I'm sitting here writing this blog post instead of prepping for either.  Or sleeping.  Oh, sleep!

Day after tomorrow: When is that? Yep.  I can't think that far ahead.  Let's just get through tomorrow first, and hope it is more reflective of today than yesterday. 

After what may seem like kavetching, I need to reaffirm though that I am LOVING every minute of this.  High intensity, high volume, patient centric chaos is my drug of choice  I feel so lucky to get to do this each and every day! 

I should carry Kleenex in my white coat

3 patients cried on my shoulder today.  All for very good reason.  All I could do was listen, hold their hand, look at them in the eye, confirm that it all just sucks and unfortunately no there is no answer for why, and offer Kleenex.  There were a few points where I almost started crying right along with them.  A shitty, rough, complicated day indeed.  A day that requires a long bike ride or a glass of wine - neither of which I had energy for after 14 hours of running around the hospital and knowing that I have to do in again in less than 8 hours.  You know what though?  I love my job.

It weighs heavy on me, maybe too heavy, but I am so glad that at least I can be there to offer a Kleenex. 

Friday of firsts

Friday afternoon was full of firsts.  I got to wear the intern pager and triage all pages, which remained exciting for exactly 2 pages before it began to feel cumbersome and slightly annoying.  Then, suddenly, all the residents had to step off the floor, some to a c-section and others to an event upstairs.  My chief left me in charge!  Me!  For what felt like days (likely somewhere between 30 minutes and an hour) I watched tracings of actively laboring pts, freaked out over a minor decel, assessed a pt who showed up to triage, returned pages, and didn't kill anyone!  I think I proved myself capable.  The fact that they trusted to leave me in the first place, I think shows that they trust me.  Feeling much better than last week though concerned what a new herd of residents will bring in tomorrow.

Sub-i self evaluation

1. I want to be the best sub-I they have ever had, to be perfect
2. I get loquacious when I'm nervous
3. I seem to always be nervous during my days on the wards
4. When I get loquacious, I tend to talk about myself or tell personal stories that relate to whatever is going on
5. I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear these stories & I should just shut my mouth
6. But then I get more nervous, and more loquacious
7. Even when I make a conscious effort to not be loquacious, I still manage to over talk & over share
8.  I blame it on being an extrovert & wanting to connect --> I want to connect to people
8.  I LOVE obstetrics and get excited that I get to be doing this
9.  My excitement makes me seem young (according to the PGY2 who couldn't believe I'm older than him because I'm so "eager")
10. Partially because I love what I'm doing, and partially because I don't really know anyone in this city, 14 hour days at work are amazing but weekends off are proving rough
11. After this experience, I would highly recommend doing aways in cities where you have connections.  Without such connections, this feels way too isolating and more nerve-racking. 
12. I try way to hard to seem smart, knowledgeable, & capable which makes me less of all 3 of these
13. If nothing else, my goal is to at least be helpful in order to make my residents' lives easier
14. It is pretty difficult to be useful at a new institution where you can't even find your way through the hallways of the hospital or figure out how to use their computer system
15. I am far from perfect
16. I strongly believe that only perfect sub-Is honor, and therefor there is no chance I will honor
17. I fear that high-passing my sub-I(s) instead of honoring will mean that I don't match in OB/GYN
18. Again, back to #1, I wish I was perfect

A week in the life of a MS4, edition 1 (July - August)

Tomorrow: - Last day of this first away sub-i
                   - First residency interview (at the program I've been doing the sub-i at)

Weekend:   Pack up from where I've been living all year into my car

Early Next week: Drive 3000 miles in 3-4 days

6 days from now: Start next sub-I at a totally different program type of program, in a totally different State, in a city I've never really spent time in, with totally different expectations of me that I do not yet know.

Oh, and all the while, I need to be working on my ERAS application.  

And this my friends is med school.  As soon as you get comfortable in your current situation, you're shoved into something new & different that you're totally not prepared for.  The strange part?  I am so grateful for this life and love it all.  Bring it on!

Halfway through

I'm 2 weeks into my first, of two, audition rotation.  It's both wonderful to be back doing full time patient care and also making me realize how much I forgot over the past year.  I couldn't even remember how to write a procedure note today!  Opps!

Mostly, it just feels like I am on a proprietorial first date.  Complete will all the nervousness, uncertainty, over-analyzing, and retelling of the "he said/ she said" to close confidants.  I just want the program to like me and ask me out on another date (or to match for residency)!

July 1, 2013

First day of my first away rotation.  So far, so good. 

ERAS opened today, so it is also my first day of officially starting the residency application process.  

A year from today (hopefully) will be my first day as a resident. 

Object Permanence

Last month, after reading Julia Levy's article about going on 30 first dates in the month before she turned 30, I decided that I also needed to set such a goal.  Mine: to have 30 first dates, or at least new introductions, in the next 10 months before I turn 30.  This is my way of dealing with the most recent breakup.  This is also my way to telling the world that I am fully open and willing to meet someone special (again). 

Really though, I'm scared of turning 30 single.  I'm even more scared of starting residency single.  What if I end up in a place without queer Jews to date?  When will I have time to meet people in residency?!  What if I meet someone living elsewhere, and neither of us can move until residency is over?  Who will support me through the hell of the transition into residency?  Who will be the first person I share my match results with?!  Anyhow, I digress.

One month into this mission and I'm at 2 of 30:
1. The first was an email introduction from a friend which has led to some nice conversation back and forth.  It is enjoyable but who knows when we'll ever actually meet face-to-face... Pointless?  Maybe.  But a least the emails are fun to write and read.
2. The second was a coffee date this morning with someone I met online.  She was lovely and conversation was easy, but, and it is a big BUT, I'm only here another week before embarking on 2 months of aways.  She's only here for the summer.  Is she worth changing my schedule around (sacrificing sleep) to try to see her again?  I don't think so.

Now I'm wondering if this is a futile mission all together.  My 4th year schedule has me pretty nomadic for the entirety of the year.  While I am not opposed to long distance relationships, long distance dating is a whole other creature.  An unconquerable beast.  How does one date and start a more serious relationship when they don't have any stability to their life and everything is a big unknown?  Knowing what my schedule looks like, and how people react when I talk about my plans for the year, I can't imagine there is any possibility that I won't still be single a year from now.

Where will I be in August?

Fifty percent of my away rotations (July) have been settled.  August seems to still be up in the air though.  I got a loose offer from one Midwest program and then a formal offer from another.  The latter is where my now ex-girlfriend is on faculty.  I had applied in hopes of being with her, and then in stubbornness of wanting to prove to her that she made a mistake in dumping me, but now am starting to think wiser.  I imagine it will be tricky to do well on an audition rotation while also navigating being in the same space as someone whom I am deeply in love with and want to make a life with, but who doesn't love me back.  Plus, I'm pretty sure she's the only queer Jew in the city that I'd want to date - meaning that even if I LOVE their program - the city doesn't hold much promise for other parts of my life such as, um, dating.  

The first program isn't as strong as the program with my ex, and I'm not as interested in it.  It does come in a city with more queer Jews though.  Also, while the first program sent me an email offering me a space, there has been no formal follow up and they aren't responding to my attempts to gain more information.  I need to give program #2 an answer by Friday. 

I was just informed that a program I was holding out hope for is filled for my first choice for August, and was instead offered Oct, Nov, or Dec - none of which work for me.  I called the coordinator back who has put me on a wait list for another August rotation in ob/gyn at their program, but I wont know about that until at least Monday.  Two other programs I have applications in for wont even begin reviewing them until next week. 

What do I do?!  Anyone have a crystal ball I can borrow? 

Away rotation purgatory

Somehow it is May and I am in my last few weeks of my research year.  How did that happen?  Seriously, how? 

My last month here is overly scheduled: trip home for mother’s day, presenting preliminary research at a conference, charity 120 mile bike ride, finishing my public health thesis, and scheduling next year.  That last one is turning out to be a painful.  

I, like most medical students, am a type A planner – a control freak.  Scheduling away rotations leaves no room for control.  No transparency, no answering of emails or call, and no standardization of timelines.  Whoever thought of VSAS, and whoever decided aways are important for the residency application process, clearly finds pleasure in torturing medical students. 

So many moving pieces depend on if, when, etc. I schedule aways.  When do I leave the city I’m living in?  Do I drive, do I fly?  What happens to my car?  Where is all my stuff going?  Will I be able to keep the rest of the schedule I have booked with my home institution?  Or will everything need to be flipped around to make time later for aways… Ugh!  Uncertainty = anxiety. 

I’m just looking for 2 “yes”s.  July. August.  Two little away rotations at two different places.  Hopefully in ob/gyn.  So far I’ve been given “no”s from two places for July.  “Yes”s will come after “no”s, right?

UPDATE (5/20/13): July has been scheduled!  So, unbelievably, relieved.  Now I just need August to work out.

VSAS,

Why do you have to be so confusing?  In this age of technology I would have appreciated an easier, streamlined, and transparent way to apply for audition electives.  Alas, you are overly complicated and frustrating, just like everything else in medical school.

Love,
me