Maine, Maryland, & Washington

As the executive director of the Gay & Lesbian Medical Association just emailed out “Today, GLMA joins with supporters of equality from across the country to celebrate yesterday’s historic election results, which set the stage for a new era in the quest for LGBT equality.” On one hand I’m glad that 3 more states passed “marriage equality” yesterday.  Between these 3 states, Minnesota’s voting down on marriage discrimination, Tammy Baldwin’s win, and the re-election of Obama, yesterday was a big victory for queer rights. 

On the other hand, I am beyond angry and hurt.  How is it a victory when we are still letting other people vote on MY RIGHT to get married and have a family?!  How is that not, in it’s very essence, discrimination?  And while these amendments are being billed as “marriage equality”, we are still far from equal, even in states where gay marriage is legal. 

If I am to fall in love with someone overseas and get married in a country where it is legal, I have no rights to get them citizenship or protection in the US.  If I fight in the US military and live in a state where I’m legally married, I still cannot offer military partner benefits to my wife.  Even if I file my taxes as a married couple on the state level, my federal taxes will still be filled as single, creating a huge f*ing mess.   This isn’t even separate but equal… this is straight up inequality!

 

I think these state measures are a Band-Aid.  They are hiding the real problem and leading the general public to believe that the LGBT community is finally gaining equality.  But we are not!  As long as the public gets to vote on my personal rights, I am very much not equal and I will not be satisfied by placation of a few new state amendments.   I still have no national recognition of my love.  I still don’t have the ability to adopt my (theoretical) children if born to my (theoretical) wife in many states in this country.  Hell, I can still be fired from my job or openly discriminated against for my sexual orientation in some states.

The Supreme Court needs to finally rule on prop 8 (this mess has been going on for 4 years now).  DOMA needs to be overturned.  We need to stop letting the public vote on the rights of minority groups.  We need to expand anti-discrimination policies and regulations.  We need to give queer kids hope for their future… Come on people, we can do so much better.  

Right brain approach to healing

(image is a Mercedes-Benz add, taken from http://www.andrewkeir.com/right-brain-vs-left-brain/)

Science is often though of as a left brain thing.  Art is the right brain.  But what happens when you combined them?  What happens when a man with brain cancer begins to think outside the box?  What happens when the man has the ingenuity and skill set to crack code, redefine healing and cure, and appeal to a larger, global, audience?

You have Salvatore Iaconesi.  You have an OPEN SOURCE CURE.  In his poetically beautiful words, here is his plea:

"There are cures for the body, for spirit, for communication.

Grab the information about my disease, if you want, and give me a CURE: create a video, an artwork, a map, a text, a poem, a game, or try to find a solution for my health problem.

Artists, designers, hackers, scientists, doctors, photographers, videomakers, musicians, writers. Anyone can give me a CURE."

This is an absolutely beautiful reinvention of medicine.   This is the art I am proud to be learning, practicing, and bearing witness in the lives of all my patients (past, present, and future).   

Remember "O157:H7"

Increasingly often I seem to forget that I had a life before medical school.  Sure, I can recall my childhood, past experiences, and the different cities I lived in; but I forget the knowledge I acquired and the details of my other hobbies and interest.  A friend recently sent me an email asking about digital cameras which took me off guard.  My thought process consisted of: "Why is she asking me about cameras?!  Oh ya, I was a photography [and anthropology] major in undergrad.  I guess I should know something about this."  It took me days to respond, days to tap back into that old part of my brain and even still the response lacked finesse.  Talking about shutter speed, and apertures, and developing tricks used to be so second nature...

Dr. Goljan jokes that one should forget their own phone number in order to remember "O157:H7".  I'm beginning to think that it is a sarcastic joke, painfully illuminating what acquiring medical knowledge does to the rest of your brain.  Where does all that former knowledge go when it is replaced by pathophysiology and pharmacology?  Does previous knowledge come back when I reach residency? Post-residency &/or fellowship?  This [shiny pretty object] is your brain, this [deflated balloon/fried egg] is your brain on medical school...

The torch has been passed

As of today, I have officially handed off all of my extra-curricular activities. I'm super excited to see the first year students step into these roles. They are so excited, energized, and idealistic! I have no doubt that they will do wonderful things in their short stint as leaders and will heavily influence the crop of medical students that come in after them (class of 2015).

Now comes my biggest commitment yet: step 1 studying! Though I am presenting at 2 different academic conferences between now and when I take step 1; I sill have a non-boards centered outlet. But first, I think I will enjoy med prom this weekend.

Growing pains

My heart hurts a lot after a really wonderful, yet intense, weekend. A friend came to visit, which allowed for fun times in the city I don't normally make time to enjoy. There was adventure and laughter. There was a lot of conversing too. I feel a little bit like I've been broken into hundreds of tiny pieces. She challenged me on a lot of my personal self views. She also forced me to think critically about what I want from the next few years of my life and how I might want to prioritize my experiences. I just dropped her off at the airport, and cried the whole way home.

As disheartening and frustrating as these conversations are, I recognize it as a golden opportunity for personal growth. In order to be the leader that I hope to become, I need to learn how to take criticism. This opportunity for reflection is a rare jewel which should be embraced. Just as long bones hurt when they are stretched too fast, no significant personal growth can happen without a bit of struggle.

The revolution will not be televised

I'm beyond frustrated with politics in our country. While we are a very diverse country with very diverse views/morals/ethics, violence is NEVER the answer. Hopefully we can all agree on this. Hopefully we can use the tragedy that happened yesterday as a spring-board for anti-violence campaigns. Rather than simply saying "it's a pity" and then returning to our normally scheduled lives, let us not stand idly by in the face of the unacceptable. Let us teach our children about the power of hate and evil speak, and then through our own actions we can teach them that they too have the power to stand up against this type of behavior.

What I'm currently fixated on though is the House's desire to repeal the health care reform bill. How is this productive? Effective? Are we seriously going to waste time tying up the legislator with silly political games instead of getting shit done? Oh, and waste tax payer's money in the process too. It is not like the repeal will get by the Senate, or even if it does, that Obama will approve it. Fine, I admit, I'm a STRONG believer in health care reform. I DO believe that health care is a right (not a privilege) and that our pre-reform system of health care was on a crash course towards crashing. Not only was it doomed to eventually fail, it was accelerating on it's trajectory in the process. Way too much of our GDP was going towards health care and the money being spent did not reflect the quality of care being offered. Why do we spend far more than any other developed country and yet have some of the worse health care available? So yes, I will not deny that I am biased and I am pro-health care reform.

In short, I'm angry. I want to know what I, as a medical student and as a concerned citizen of The United States of America, can do to take a stand? How can I do my part to make people realize how important health care reform really is? What kind of national movement can I, along with other concerned citizens, start to ensure that our voices are collectively heard? That we want politicians to stop playing childish games and start actually fixing the problem!

Earlier this year Dan Savage had an idea to take a stand. Out of his inspiration the "It Gets Better Project" was born. Why can't we do the same? Why can't we create a national movement to support health care reform? Any ideas on how we can start our own grassroots movement would be greatly appreciated. If someone else out there is bouncing around some idea in your head about how to do this, stop thinking and start doing! If you do, I promise to be standing proudly beside you!

Broken

I subscribe "Pulse", a weekly internet-based literary journal. Some of the pieces are so-so but others are absolutely wonderful; this week being one of the later. The story was titled "Broken" and tells of a pivotal moment all medical professional go through, the point where our idealistic nature gives way to jaded frustration. Besides being a good read, it hit close to home as the shifting mindset of budding physicians is something I've been thinking (and talking) about a lot recently.

Last week I had my first official meet up with my "first-year buddy" where I passed along a piece of advice I had been given by a doctor-friend. Before I began this doctor-friend told me that her biggest reget was not keeping a paper journal throughout her med school journey, as she knew she was profoundly changed, but lacked documentation of the evolution. I was already keeping a journal at the time (having started during the interview trail) but have used her words as motivation to keep up the practice. When I passed these words on to my buddy, she immediately asked what, if any, changes I had noticed so far? To which I responded with a simple "yes". It is not easy to express how an experience changes you. It is even harder to do when you don't view all these changes as positive. And harder still is to present this information in a way that it wont bias the experience of my first-year buddy.

While I have not yet "broken", what are some of the things that have changed over the past year? The top 3, or at least the 3 I feel like mentioning right now, are:
1) I have become more impatient with people and with bull shit. Because my time is overly structured and because I can't take a break from studying without feeling guilty, I find myself inpatient to anything or anyone that slows down my productivity.
2) My vocabulary has changed. I now use words like "acute", "lateral", and "pathological" in every day, non-medical, conversation. I also triage my conversations with friends in order to extract the most important information first. I blame this on being impatient .(see #1)
3) Having yet to see a really successful model of personal life for career driven physicians, I have been making peace with the idea of potentially not getting married and having children. (see previous entries with "family" labels)

I am sure that I will continue to change over the course of medical school and my career, and am hopefully that these changes will be chronicled in my paper journal and maybe also on this here blog. I sincerely hope that I never significantly change or break to the point of being driven away from medicine and the idealistic desire to do good in this world. If I do, I hope that I, like the author of the article, can find ways to be reminded of my goals and be made whole again.