Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Greedy for interviews

Before I submitted my application, I found myself saying "I'll feel better when I have my first interview" to which a friend replied "Nope, you'll just keep wanting more".  She's right.  One interview invite, or two, or three, is nowhere near enough.   It is never enough.

A little over a month into the residency application process and I have far from enough interviews scheduled.  In fact, I have about half the interviews I need/ want.  I'm growing increasingly fearful that I wont get anymore invites or off any of the wait-lists.  Especially seeing as the last week has brought only rejections and I've never before had luck with getting off a wait-list.  With each passing day I grow ever more fearful and anxious.  I find myself worrying that these people reading my application, who don't know me as anything other than a pile of papers, will stand in the way of the future I want.  I wish there was a way to show them what kind of kick ass ob/gyn I will become, if only they will give me a chance.  And to make them understand why I need to leave the South for training.

Maybe tomorrow will bring another invite or two?  Or an interview from one of the wait-lists I'm impatiently sitting on?  Please?

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Not enough lexapro in the world

I'm pretty sure there is nothing that can cut through the dense anxiety that has built up around waiting for residency interviews.  I am trying my best to limit the amount of times I check my email (goal: no more than every 5 minutes), replace stress eating with healthier activities (goal: stop buying chocolate and go to the gym), and have conversations that are not related to interview invites (goal: talk about something else, ANYTHING else).  I'm doing decently well on going to the gym but failing by compulsively checking my email and preservative in conversations with friends.  Things like student doctor network's discussion board where people post what invites they are getting absolutely does not help in any way.  I know it is limited to a few obnoxious people positing anyway and is not reflective to what is actually going on, and yet, like an addictive drug I keep going back for hits.  It is the only connection I can find with what is going on behind the magic curtain. 

I got to spend this weekend back in my old, premedical school, stomping ground.  I've gotten to cuddle infants and chase toddlers that have been born while I have been nose deep in books.  I am finally seeing houses that have been purchased and roots that have been planted while I've been on the wards.  I feel blessed to be embraced so warmly back by this community, but also, even more aimless and unsettled.  Where will I be come June?  Will I still be on track to a career as an ob/gyn?  Will I be living in a city of my dreams*?  Will I be making friends with my co-residents or feeling like I don't belong?  So much unknown.  Ah! 

I keep thinking it'll be better if I get 1 more interview invite.  And then I do, or I don't, and it doesn't feel better.  I just want more.  More.  MORE.  Plus, then I get a rejection or two, or three as was the case last week, and I want to curl into a ball and cry.  Clearly rejections are going to come, but why can't all the invites come first? 

Is this process crazy making for all 4th years or am I am exception?  I no longer seem to have a grasp on reality.  

*there are currently 4 or 5 cities of my dreams.  So far I have a single interview in 1 of these cities.  I am desperately hoping for more.  At least 1 interview in each city, and maybe even 2 or 3 in some of these cities.  Please? Pretty please?