Tuesday, August 20, 2013

A week in the life of a MS4, edition 2 (August 19 - 25)

Yesterday: Rough.  Very rough.  Lots of tears from patients and nearly some from me too.  Got feedback on how I've been doing on the rotation.  Mostly good, some not so good.  Ate a bowl of cereal for dinner as there was no energy for anything else.

Today: So much better.  Got to scrub into a pretty wonky [and awesome] c-section.  Tripped on my own shoes when walking around the table to put in closing stitches.  Broke scrub when the nurse [who I adore] reached up to catch me.  Thankfully the atending had already left the room and the residents still let me close once I was re-gowned and gloved.  Got lots of complements in clinic.  Intuited a much needed hug from a staff member who seemed very appreciative when I asked if she wanted one.  Small achievements make me feel like a rock star!  Pretty sure this sub-i is inducing some type of manic/depression emotional roller coaster.... oh well.

Tomorrow: Responsible for 2 presentations.  1 is a formal hour long thing for the whole maternal fetal medicine department, the other is a quick 5 minute topic on patient care that I will likely filibuster.  I'm sitting here writing this blog post instead of prepping for either.  Or sleeping.  Oh, sleep!

Day after tomorrow: When is that? Yep.  I can't think that far ahead.  Let's just get through tomorrow first, and hope it is more reflective of today than yesterday. 

After what may seem like kavetching, I need to reaffirm though that I am LOVING every minute of this.  High intensity, high volume, patient centric chaos is my drug of choice  I feel so lucky to get to do this each and every day! 

Monday, August 19, 2013

I should carry Kleenex in my white coat

3 patients cried on my shoulder today.  All for very good reason.  All I could do was listen, hold their hand, look at them in the eye, confirm that it all just sucks and unfortunately no there is no answer for why, and offer Kleenex.  There were a few points where I almost started crying right along with them.  A shitty, rough, complicated day indeed.  A day that requires a long bike ride or a glass of wine - neither of which I had energy for after 14 hours of running around the hospital and knowing that I have to do in again in less than 8 hours.  You know what though?  I love my job.

It weighs heavy on me, maybe too heavy, but I am so glad that at least I can be there to offer a Kleenex. 

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Friday of firsts

Friday afternoon was full of firsts.  I got to wear the intern pager and triage all pages, which remained exciting for exactly 2 pages before it began to feel cumbersome and slightly annoying.  Then, suddenly, all the residents had to step off the floor, some to a c-section and others to an event upstairs.  My chief left me in charge!  Me!  For what felt like days (likely somewhere between 30 minutes and an hour) I watched tracings of actively laboring pts, freaked out over a minor decel, assessed a pt who showed up to triage, returned pages, and didn't kill anyone!  I think I proved myself capable.  The fact that they trusted to leave me in the first place, I think shows that they trust me.  Feeling much better than last week though concerned what a new herd of residents will bring in tomorrow.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Sub-i self evaluation

1. I want to be the best sub-I they have ever had, to be perfect
2. I get loquacious when I'm nervous
3. I seem to always be nervous during my days on the wards
4. When I get loquacious, I tend to talk about myself or tell personal stories that relate to whatever is going on
5. I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear these stories & I should just shut my mouth
6. But then I get more nervous, and more loquacious
7. Even when I make a conscious effort to not be loquacious, I still manage to over talk & over share
8.  I blame it on being an extrovert & wanting to connect --> I want to connect to people
8.  I LOVE obstetrics and get excited that I get to be doing this
9.  My excitement makes me seem young (according to the PGY2 who couldn't believe I'm older than him because I'm so "eager")
10. Partially because I love what I'm doing, and partially because I don't really know anyone in this city, 14 hour days at work are amazing but weekends off are proving rough
11. After this experience, I would highly recommend doing aways in cities where you have connections.  Without such connections, this feels way too isolating and more nerve-racking. 
12. I try way to hard to seem smart, knowledgeable, & capable which makes me less of all 3 of these
13. If nothing else, my goal is to at least be helpful in order to make my residents' lives easier
14. It is pretty difficult to be useful at a new institution where you can't even find your way through the hallways of the hospital or figure out how to use their computer system
15. I am far from perfect
16. I strongly believe that only perfect sub-Is honor, and therefor there is no chance I will honor
17. I fear that high-passing my sub-I(s) instead of honoring will mean that I don't match in OB/GYN
18. Again, back to #1, I wish I was perfect