30 things before 30

I turn 29 very soon, very very soon.  Here is my bucket list of things I want to accomplish before I turn the big three-zero.  I'm posting it publicly to keep me accountable.  I imagine that a lot of these things will absolutely happen and some will not.  What fun would it be to have a completely obtainable list?  Here is to a year of adventure and personal growth!

Health:
1. Challenge myself physically (current plan is a 120 mile bike ride)
2. Learn a new sport or exercise
3. Have an a1c < 7.5
4. Learn to consistently use, and fully utilize, a CGM / my dexcom sensor
5. Loose the last 20 pounds to fully get to my goal weight

Career:
6. Have a manuscript published
7. Finish my MPH requirements
8. Get a job (match into residency)
9. Graduate medical school (should happen within a month of turning 30)

Community & family:
10. Send at least one real (snail mail) letter to a friend each month
11. Call my grandmother more
12. Reach out to my borther
13. Reach out to my cousins
14. Be more patient with my mom
15. Talk to my dad

Religion: 
16. Create a ritual for clinical practice around performing births & abortions
17. Say yes when asked to lead kiddish
18. Read from the Torah again
19. Davin in shul at least once a month
20. Wrap tfillin at least once a month
21. Join a chevra kadisha

Misc:
22. Address my fear of heights
23. Travel to a new place, besides residency interviews
24. Renew my scuba certifcation
25. Go on at least 1 date every two months
26. Do at least 5 touristy things in the city I go to medical school in
27. Spend a night out dancing without caring that I can't dance
28. Learn embroidery 
29. Stop wearing clothes that I've had since high school
30. Relearn Spanish

And one for good luck:
31. Save the world 

Existential Crisis

My research year has started like this: 4 weeks of work (in which my grandmother died & my car was totaled), followed by 2 weeks abroad for a conference, followed by a week road trip with my girlfriend. 

This week was my first week back, and the first week where it became clear that I'm here to stay, at least for the year anyway.  This week was also slow.  Painfully slow.  S-L-O-W.  I felt like I wasted hour after hour, day after day, doing absolutely nothing productive.  Research projects are in various stages of stagnation for various reasons- mostly sitting on other peoples' desks waiting for their necessary contribution.  I know, I know, this is the way research rolls.

Too much free time spent surfing the inter-webs meant that I began questioning my decisions.  Why did I decide to take a year off?  What if waste this whole year and get nothing accomplished?  What if I walk away with no abstracts and no manuscripts, nothing tangible to show for my year?  How many hours can I really spend on facebook, words with friends, and the sudoku app before I kill myself from going stir crazy?  I'm just slowing down my life- an extra year before I potential don't match in OB (even having taken a research year), another year in a long distance relationship (if it survives distance) with a megaphone of a biological clock, another year before I can settle down in one city and actually began making a real community... another damn year!

I'm still hoping this was the right choice.  The opportunity to live in a kick ass city.  A year to have some free time with priorities on improving my health and learning Spanish before residency.  Maybe I'll finally get around to fine-tuning my basal rates after 16 years on an Insulin pump!  A chance to reconnect with my Jewish identity.  A chance to engage in some pretty novel, and interesting, research with some of the best in the field. 

For now though, I'm hoping a restful shabbos will silence my existential questioning.

Babies! part 2

Reading the Mothers in Medicine post  Ob/Gyn: Helping to expand families at the cost of your own? while continuing to think about my ticking biological clock, I can't help but wonder if I should simply choose career.  Rather than hoping and praying that I'll settle down and have a loving family, strong career, and house with a white picket fence; maybe I should just through all that energy spent fantasizing about my future completely and totally into medicine. 

Somehow, while studying for my surgery shelf exam today, I found myself googling images of gluten free vegan wedding cakes.  Not sure how I ended up there...  [No, I'm not getting married anytime soon.]  I've also spent a bit of time on ravelry looking at baby knitting patterns.  Those moments would probably [absolutely] be better spent doing an extra practice question or two.

It is still early enough that I can save myself from the inevitable future that dr. whoo? speaks of in her blog post; the always feeling like you're sacrificing one thing for the other that I've heard from so many other MD-moms.  Which is worse: delivering other people's babies while never having your own [and wanting them], or taking care of other people's sick kids while your own kids are left home to be raised by people who are not you? 

author's note: This post was written under the influence of high stress and sleep deprivation, 12 hours  prior to my surgery shelf exam, and while feeling guilty that tomorrow I drop my cat off at the kennel for winter break. He's going to hate me for it. Stress + guilt = a whiny post.  Sorry!

Babies!

It seems that all of my non-medical school friends are having babies!  [And since the girlfriend is sick of hearing about which friend just adopted and which just announced she's pregnant again, I'm sharing the news with you, dear blog-reader.]  I'm so excited for all my friends!  I'm also excited that there are lots of little babies I get to knit for, dress up, play with, take on adventures, and give back when I get overwhelmed.

Yet, at the same time, I can't help but feel my biological clock tic away while med school keeps on keeping on.  Tic. Tic. Tic.  I know, I know, it is so cliché.  Fears of approaching advanced maternal age while still being in residency are so yesterday.  My attending already called out this week for making a snarky comment in the OR regarding man's ability to father a child well into his AARP days....  Yet, as much as this bridge has been crossed by most other professional women that have come before me, I can't help but feel my uterus scream out in disdain as I draw ever-closer to the big 3-0.  

On the bright-side, lots of friends having babies now means I should have lots of readily available babysitters when [if] my turn ever roles around? Right?

Modern love

Quoted from Nicole Hardy in the article "Single, Female, Mormon, Alone" (The New York Times, Modern Love, Jan 7, 2011):
"Perhaps the failure was mine — I’m sure many church members see it that way. I was too weak to endure. They’ll say I should have waited another decade, or spent my whole life alone if that’s what God required.

I’m just unwilling to believe that’s what God wants for anyone, and was unwilling to continue spiraling further into a disconnected life, feeling abandoned, being discounted."

I couldn't agree more. While I don't really believe in a G!d that is so intertwined in our daily lives, if G!d is actually involved in our match making, I can not fathom s/he would want anyone to be single (who doesn't want to be). As much as I accomplish in my life, I can't help but feel my life is still completely unfulfilled because I haven't found my basherit. I'm nearing 27 and am seeming to be eternally single. I'm trying to make the most out of my life: being a family member, a friend, an activist, a community member, a (future) healer; trying my hardest to be content with my lot. But, I can not help but wonder if I'm destined to spend my life single... and if I do spend my life single, what will that mean for my standing in the religious community? A community that is totally built on family life and procreation. I need to put these thoughts on hold for now though as I go back to studying for tomorrow morning's exam!

In which I become a...

cat owner/parent/stereotype/lesbian/[insert something else].


Meet Lulav!

I adopted him this past week and am already so in love! While I am by nature much more of a dog person than a cat person, my life is currently not compatible with being a dog owner. I spend way too many hours at school. My apartment is small. My clinical hours next year will be way too unpredictable. (Side note: a bunch of my classmates have adopted dogs. While I am in no place to judge their decision, I would love to know HOW they are doing it.) So anyhow I compromised my needs to become a parent, or at least get over my fear of commitment, and decided that I can offer a loving home to a kitty.

It is strange to think about how much Lulav will likely see me through. Becoming an MD, going through residency, likely moving houses/cities/states a few different times, and possibly even becoming a wife and having children. It has only been a few days, but I already have such love for a such a small little creature! Plus, he helps me study:

Freezing my biological clock?

In following up with my last post on families, and my changing perspective on having one, this article was published in the LA Times health section today:

"Meanwhile, Srilatha Gorthi of the Leeds Centre for Reproductive Medicine in England put the question to younger women (average age 21) for whom the idea of egg freezing was more theoretical.
Among 98 hard-charging medical students, 80% said the idea appealed to them. They saw the technology as a way to focus on their careers during their prime child-bearing years. Among 97 students majoring in education and sports studies, only 40% were open to the idea of freezing their eggs. For these women, the primary motivation for delaying pregnancy was to achieve financial independence." -K. Kaplan, If you could put your biological clock on hold, would you?, LA Times, 6/28/10.

On one hand it is nice to feel comradery around putting pursuit of career first at this point in my life; on the other hand, 80%?! First, I'm not sure how I feel about the whole idea of egg freezing to begin with. Just because the eggs are younger doesn't mean the body is as apt to carry the pregnancy or raise the child. (By this, I am not saying that older women should not be having babies, just that I don't think hormones and harvesting and freezing would be the right choice for me personally.) Second, clearly something is wrong with the priorities of the medical profession. And no, this realization of screwy priorities in the profession I am pursuing is not new, just reaffirmed.

With that, I go back to listening to the ticking of my biological clock...