MD, MPH

I was called to the stage as Dr. Physician Activist in Training.  A trusted mentor placed the green velvet hood over my head.  I took an oath [that was thankfully not the traditional Hippocratic Oath].   There were hugs, pictures, and toasts.  And scene.

Next up, the real fun begins.  Residency.  Bring it on.

3 more hours

My medical school already knows.  My residency program already knows.  In 3 hours, I too will know where I will be beginning my ob/gyn training in a few short months! 

After 5 years of medical school, a year of working while applying, 2 years of a post-bac program, 4 years of undergraduate (though most of that time I thought I was going to be a Rabbi and not a doctor), ... anyhow, there has been a lot of time spent to get to this point.  While time seems to be moving a little slowly right now, it is only a drop in the bucket compared to all the time and energy spent imagining being at this point.

Blessed be our Sovereign of time and space, Who has sustained us, protected us and brought us safely to this moment.

96 hours

96 hours between when I got the email today titled "Did I match?" (Yes!) and when I will get the envelope on Friday with the location. 

For now, I'm just extremely happy with all the confirmation today brings: to know that I have a job come July; that I WILL graduate medical school in 8 weeks as otherwise I'll be in breach of NRMP's contract which the med school would never allow; and that I'm going to be an ob/gyn! 

Also, for now, I will be drinking.  That is the advice I have been given (repeatedly) regarding how to get through this week.  I'm taking it to heart.

Eager, not anxious

Anyone have suggestions or advice for surviving the next 11 days?  I'm so ready to get this show on the road and know what the next 4 years of my life will look like!  Or, at the very least, know where in the country I will be living come June/July. 

March 21st can't come soon enough!

End of the road?

Yesterday may have been my last residency interview.  It was great, as a lot of them have been.  I've been fortunate in that I think I'd be happy at over half the programs I interviewed at.  Two I love, 2 I like a lot, some others I like, 1 I very much don't see myself at.  Unfortunately, with the amount of interviews I had, my chances of matching are around 90%.  Good, but not good enough. 

So now I wait.  Wait and hope that it wasn't my last interview.  Hoping that a few more programs, especially some of the 4 I think would be an excellent fit with interview days left, will have pity on me.  Hope that the people on the interview trail who keep saying they plan to cancel their January interviews due to already being burnt out do actually cancel.  Please, cancel already.  Let me go instead.  A little more confidence that I'll match will be an excellent holiday gift. 

And now I enjoy the holidays.  I rest after 16,000 miles of flying and thousands of dollars spent.  Rest after numerous baby presents knit on planes, books read, and work somewhat haphazardly done from afar.  Oh, and I work on the manuscript I was supposed to finish this past month.  

Happy holidays ya'll.

Waiting game

I've never had much luck with wait lists.  It started all the way back when I applied to boarding school for 9th grade.  I didn't get off that wait list, didn't get off for college, or for medical school, and it now appears I didn't get off the wait list for my first choice residency program who is having their last interview day today.    I know from previous experience that it all works out okay.  I ended up where I am now because of the way things turned out.  I'm pretty proud of the place I'm at. 

Still,  I'm worried.  I feel pretty confident that I'll match.  I just have a good gut feeling about it.  However, I don't have any interviews in the cities I was most interested in moving to and I still don't feel like I have enough interviews overall.  The median number of places ranked for US seniors that matched in ob/gyn last year was 11.  I'm below that number.

The most frustrating part is that on the interviews I've gone on, especially the local ones, they make comments assuming that I have my pick of residency.  Clearly they are only looking at my CV and not step scores.  My CV and recommendations alone make me look like a pretty stellar candidate.  If they saw my first failed step 1 - then they'd know the truth that I'm pretty screwed in this process.  I'm still going to make a damn good doctor, and hopefully be a ob/gyn, but likely not in the location(s) I had originally imagined for myself. 

I can't believe it is already December.  I can't believe I still have so few interviews.  I don't really know how I'm going to last until match day on March 21st.  Trying to take deep breaths and keep waiting. 

dream versus reality

Last night I had my first vivid dream about this whole residency process.  I was offered an interview off of the wait list for tomorrow (for a city I happen to be) and then was offered 2 other interviews.  It was such a lovely dream! 

And then I woke up... and so far, today has brought none of those things.  Finally starting to give up the last glimpse of hope that a spot will open up for tomorrow.  Boo.

November is starting off on a bad foot

I just got a rejection for one of my top programs.  Far from my first rejection, but this is the first rejection that I'm really really upset about.  Seriously worried that I don't have enough interviews to match, especially enough interviews outside of the South. Hopefully the month can only improve from here?

Also, being on a rotation where I'm supposed to be self motivated and self-paced is turning out pretty poorly.  Week 1 has mostly been made up of sitting on the couch, watching TV, and taking naps.  It's funny how much I get accomplished when I am busy and how little I do when I'm not.

Greedy for interviews

Before I submitted my application, I found myself saying "I'll feel better when I have my first interview" to which a friend replied "Nope, you'll just keep wanting more".  She's right.  One interview invite, or two, or three, is nowhere near enough.   It is never enough.

A little over a month into the residency application process and I have far from enough interviews scheduled.  In fact, I have about half the interviews I need/ want.  I'm growing increasingly fearful that I wont get anymore invites or off any of the wait-lists.  Especially seeing as the last week has brought only rejections and I've never before had luck with getting off a wait-list.  With each passing day I grow ever more fearful and anxious.  I find myself worrying that these people reading my application, who don't know me as anything other than a pile of papers, will stand in the way of the future I want.  I wish there was a way to show them what kind of kick ass ob/gyn I will become, if only they will give me a chance.  And to make them understand why I need to leave the South for training.

Maybe tomorrow will bring another invite or two?  Or an interview from one of the wait-lists I'm impatiently sitting on?  Please?

Not enough lexapro in the world

I'm pretty sure there is nothing that can cut through the dense anxiety that has built up around waiting for residency interviews.  I am trying my best to limit the amount of times I check my email (goal: no more than every 5 minutes), replace stress eating with healthier activities (goal: stop buying chocolate and go to the gym), and have conversations that are not related to interview invites (goal: talk about something else, ANYTHING else).  I'm doing decently well on going to the gym but failing by compulsively checking my email and preservative in conversations with friends.  Things like student doctor network's discussion board where people post what invites they are getting absolutely does not help in any way.  I know it is limited to a few obnoxious people positing anyway and is not reflective to what is actually going on, and yet, like an addictive drug I keep going back for hits.  It is the only connection I can find with what is going on behind the magic curtain. 

I got to spend this weekend back in my old, premedical school, stomping ground.  I've gotten to cuddle infants and chase toddlers that have been born while I have been nose deep in books.  I am finally seeing houses that have been purchased and roots that have been planted while I've been on the wards.  I feel blessed to be embraced so warmly back by this community, but also, even more aimless and unsettled.  Where will I be come June?  Will I still be on track to a career as an ob/gyn?  Will I be living in a city of my dreams*?  Will I be making friends with my co-residents or feeling like I don't belong?  So much unknown.  Ah! 

I keep thinking it'll be better if I get 1 more interview invite.  And then I do, or I don't, and it doesn't feel better.  I just want more.  More.  MORE.  Plus, then I get a rejection or two, or three as was the case last week, and I want to curl into a ball and cry.  Clearly rejections are going to come, but why can't all the invites come first? 

Is this process crazy making for all 4th years or am I am exception?  I no longer seem to have a grasp on reality.  


*there are currently 4 or 5 cities of my dreams.  So far I have a single interview in 1 of these cities.  I am desperately hoping for more.  At least 1 interview in each city, and maybe even 2 or 3 in some of these cities.  Please? Pretty please?

6 months

6 months ago I was just starting to accept the newness of a breakup from the woman I hoped to marry
Today I am still struggling to heal, but the edges aren't as ragged as they were

6 months from now (2 days ago to be exact) I will match into a residency program
Today I am patiently anxiously waiting for interview invites, and continuing to grow increasingly anxious every day

An emotional 6 months behind me and an emotional 6 months to come.  Praying that I have the strength to turn the anxiety into productive energy.  That I exercise instead of eat, that I force myself to go out instead of cowering in the corner, that I embrace the blessings to be found in uncertainty.   May the next 6 months be filled with continued healing, travel, and adventure!

2013, mixed feelings

I have totally mixed feelings about this New Year.  2012 was an emotional roller-coaster.  The death of my grandmother, a rather jarring car accident, 2 trips to the Emergency room (as a patient), all the emotions of 3rd year clerkship, a hard break-up, then meeting someone new (and extraordinary), deciding to take a research year, moving to a new state, 2 cross country road trips, a trip to India... it has been a BIG and overwhelming year.

2013 was supposed to be the year I graduated medical school.  A huge part of me wishes it still would be the year I graduate medical school.  Instead, it is now becoming the year I figure out 4th year electives, begin residency applications, and try to *hopefully* get a publication out of all this research.  Ideally it will also be a year full of seeing my family, nurturing my relationship, taking better care of my health, and finding time to have fun.  Maybe I'll also make some art and learn some Spanish. 

And the nightmares begin...

I had my first residency nightmare last night.  I don't remember all of it but there was an element of not getting ob/gyn interviews, having apply in another specialty I don't want to apply in, and not knowing what specialty I was going to match into come match day.  There were also lots of tears shed in the dream.  What in the world does crying in one's dream mean?!

It doesn't help that today was another interview day for the program I'm spending my year with.  The marching line of black suits, my peers, flowing throughout my daily rituals at work were a constant reminder that I'm not there yet and have so much longer to deal with uncertainty...  After spending his year with some of the top, best, and brightest in ob, I'm going to feel pretty awful if I end up unable to match.  BUT, I have a year plus to go.  I sure as hell better not be having these nightmares straight through until March 2014! 

In other news, I need to learn Spanish.  Or remember the Spanish I used to know plus learn some medical terminology. Something.  It is a huge goal for this year and while I'm nearly halfway through my research year, I haven't even begun.  All the residents here speak Spanish.  I think I can, I think I can, I'm [not so sure] I can...

Bad news from my dean

He is worried that I wont match in OB.  He said that no one from our school with a failed step 1 has matched in OBGYN for the past 5 years.  He wants me to lower my expectations of the type of program that I may end up matching in.  He also wants to make sure I don't end up screwed. 

Options:
1) apply in both obgyn & peds or in ob & family
2) forget ob and just apply in peds or in family
3) take a year off to make connections and strengthen my application (which means looking for new funding sources)

Ugh.  One stupid test...

Bagpiping- I need to learn ASAP!

Yesterday a group of us 3rd year medical students had an informal dinner Q&A with the 4th years.  Most of the information about 4th year and residency applications is stuff I've already heard.  Plus, I'm currently in limbo about whether I'm taking a research year next year or marching forward with 4th year.  I wont know that until fellowship decisions are sent out in March.  My response to the uncertainty is to just be in denial about having to do any planning for after June. 

The two things I did learn:
1) I may have a very difficult decision to make regarding my future and I may have to make it soon.  ob/gyn vs. urology?!!
2) I need to learn to bagpipe.  The 4th year who matched in urology at his #1 program said that he included a line at the bottom of his CV regarding personal interests/activities not relating to med school.  It was a long the lines of "eagle scout, world traveler, and enjoys bagpiping".   He said that every interview he went on asked about the bagpipe!  I have nothing like that to put down!!!  It seems that I have no interests & no life outside of med school!