Halfway mark

I'm halfway back to my normal life as a medical student: back to clinical rotations on the wards, back to activism and advocacy relating to women's health, back to national LGBT health organizing efforts, back to trying to publish the research I did last summer and possible starting on a new paper, back to completing my MPH requirements, back to not having enough hours in the day to work, study, eat, exercise and sleep.  Also, back to my cat and back to being within driving distance of a certain special someone. I couldn't be more excited!  The time can't go by quick enough.  I feel like a lazy sloth, wasting valuable time, simply sitting on my butt and cramming details into my head.

Last night I had a conference call for one of the national organizations with which I am involved.  I felt like I was letting my board down.  I was repetitively apologizing that between my medicine rotation and now dealing with personal issues (restudying for step 1) I haven't really done much of anything and that I wont be able to until after the middle of August.  They, my other board members, are nothing but encouraging and supportive.  They are other medical students, they get it.  I adore them [and am oh so very grateful for they way they are enhancing my med school experience].  But, I hate it!  These are issues I'm passionate about.  While I am sure I will continue to organize on issues of medical education and health equity throughout my life, I only have a year to serve in THIS position.  A year is not a long time to make significant strides and even less time when one has to solely concentrate on other things for a block of time during that year.

While I am so excited to get back to my normal, every day, chaotic life, I am also terrified.  This means I am halfway to retaking this stinking exam.  I feel like I've learned a lot and resolved some of my confusion in pharmacokenetics and pathophysology.  All of this studying has not been in vain.  This studying will also help me out later on the wards.  But my qbank scores are not really trending up.  Despite how much I study my score are staying pretty steady, right around where they peaked before I took the exam last time.  With every qbank set I do, I grow slightly more discouraged, fearing that step 1 will come out on top once again.  I plan on taking another NBME self assessment at the end of the week which hopefully (crossing fingers!) will show some growth and boost my confidence.