Babies! part 2

Reading the Mothers in Medicine post  Ob/Gyn: Helping to expand families at the cost of your own? while continuing to think about my ticking biological clock, I can't help but wonder if I should simply choose career.  Rather than hoping and praying that I'll settle down and have a loving family, strong career, and house with a white picket fence; maybe I should just through all that energy spent fantasizing about my future completely and totally into medicine. 

Somehow, while studying for my surgery shelf exam today, I found myself googling images of gluten free vegan wedding cakes.  Not sure how I ended up there...  [No, I'm not getting married anytime soon.]  I've also spent a bit of time on ravelry looking at baby knitting patterns.  Those moments would probably [absolutely] be better spent doing an extra practice question or two.

It is still early enough that I can save myself from the inevitable future that dr. whoo? speaks of in her blog post; the always feeling like you're sacrificing one thing for the other that I've heard from so many other MD-moms.  Which is worse: delivering other people's babies while never having your own [and wanting them], or taking care of other people's sick kids while your own kids are left home to be raised by people who are not you? 

author's note: This post was written under the influence of high stress and sleep deprivation, 12 hours  prior to my surgery shelf exam, and while feeling guilty that tomorrow I drop my cat off at the kennel for winter break. He's going to hate me for it. Stress + guilt = a whiny post.  Sorry!

Babies!

It seems that all of my non-medical school friends are having babies!  [And since the girlfriend is sick of hearing about which friend just adopted and which just announced she's pregnant again, I'm sharing the news with you, dear blog-reader.]  I'm so excited for all my friends!  I'm also excited that there are lots of little babies I get to knit for, dress up, play with, take on adventures, and give back when I get overwhelmed.

Yet, at the same time, I can't help but feel my biological clock tic away while med school keeps on keeping on.  Tic. Tic. Tic.  I know, I know, it is so cliché.  Fears of approaching advanced maternal age while still being in residency are so yesterday.  My attending already called out this week for making a snarky comment in the OR regarding man's ability to father a child well into his AARP days....  Yet, as much as this bridge has been crossed by most other professional women that have come before me, I can't help but feel my uterus scream out in disdain as I draw ever-closer to the big 3-0.  

On the bright-side, lots of friends having babies now means I should have lots of readily available babysitters when [if] my turn ever roles around? Right?

The end of surgery

This week marks the end of surgery.  Well, at least the end of in-patient surgery.  I still have 2 weeks of out-patient surgery, gyn surgery, and possible surgery electives in my future.  This is good seeing as I actually really like being in the OR and think I'll miss it.  Regardless, I have an oral exam and a national shelf exam to take this week.  These exams will be the determining factor between honors, high pass, and pass, as I already know that my evaluations are solid.

I feel completely and totally unprepared for these 2 exams.  I'm pretty sure that I've never felt this unprepared for any exam in all of medical school.  Over the last 8 weeks I have learned how to stitch like a pro, how to spend long hours on my feet in the OR, and how to not mess with the pancrease.  Today I proved that I can use a bovie like a rock star and drive a camera with precision.  I'm pretty sure that I can even do a lap choly completely unassisted, assuming there was no gross anatomical variant or unexpected complication (ha!), and assuming someone would be stupid enough to let me try. 

However, over the last 8 weeks I have not learned how to verbalize surgical procedures, explain anatomy, articulate complications, or manage medically complex co-morbidities.  The medical team hospitialists do that for us.  I have done my best to stay on top of the reading and go through practice questions but I often find myself so exhausted at the end of the long day that I don't manage to retain what I'm studying.  Basically, surgery has prepared me to be a hamster on a wheel but not to take these exams.  How do other med students do it?  I'm feeling screwed.  And sleepy.

Pondering options

Instead of studying for the surgery shelf like I am supposed to be doing,  I'm starting to ponder my options for taking step 2.  My original thought was to do it in July.  However, I'm starting to think that it might be better for me to take it at the end of April. 
Advantages:
-I'll be done with it before I start stressing about moving for 4th year or my research year (which ever next year happens to be). 
-It'll give me at least 4.5 weeks off to study. 
-I'll be done with it before sub-I in May which is supposed to be intense!
Disadvantages:
-I wont have done psych yet.
-April is earlier than July, giving me less time to do questions prior.
-I'm speaking at a conference 4/13-15, in the middle of the 5 weeks of study time.
In the meantime, i should go back to studying for surgery & stop worrying about the future.

“Promise me if you find me like this that you’ll kill me.”

Read this article.  Read it NOW.  Then start having these conversations with your loved ones.  It is about time our society starts really, honestly, talking about end-of-life care.

And on a related note: my grandmother was moved back home with hospice care yesterday.  It still stinks to be treating others' as they confront death while my own family is facing it miles away without me there, but now I know they have a little more support. 

coffee

Holding a beating human heart > sleep!

Maybe I shouldn't throw pediatric cardiac surgery off the short list after all?  Something to think about when I'm not longer giddy and delirious on 3 hours of sleep.