11.14.13

41,975 blood tests
6,570 injections
1,551 pump site changes
92 endocrinologist appointments
26 thorough eye exams
23 years of living with type 1 diabetes

Today is world diabetes day.  I wouldn't be who I am without diabetes, and for that I am thankful.  But I wouldn't wish it on anyone.   With the newest research coming out, I'm finally letting myself believe that there may be a cure in my lifetime.  I'm excited to see how this research evolves.

MS4 pickup lines

Said to me tonight (in a supportive, platonic, way): "You would be at the top of my interview list if i were a PD!"  Which got me thinking about what other fun pickup lines might exist around residency applications and being a MS4. 

Maybe my mind is just in a really convoluted place. Why not have fun with it though?  What ideas do you have for MS4 inspired pickup line, dear reader?

November is starting off on a bad foot

I just got a rejection for one of my top programs.  Far from my first rejection, but this is the first rejection that I'm really really upset about.  Seriously worried that I don't have enough interviews to match, especially enough interviews outside of the South. Hopefully the month can only improve from here?

Also, being on a rotation where I'm supposed to be self motivated and self-paced is turning out pretty poorly.  Week 1 has mostly been made up of sitting on the couch, watching TV, and taking naps.  It's funny how much I get accomplished when I am busy and how little I do when I'm not.

Greedy for interviews

Before I submitted my application, I found myself saying "I'll feel better when I have my first interview" to which a friend replied "Nope, you'll just keep wanting more".  She's right.  One interview invite, or two, or three, is nowhere near enough.   It is never enough.

A little over a month into the residency application process and I have far from enough interviews scheduled.  In fact, I have about half the interviews I need/ want.  I'm growing increasingly fearful that I wont get anymore invites or off any of the wait-lists.  Especially seeing as the last week has brought only rejections and I've never before had luck with getting off a wait-list.  With each passing day I grow ever more fearful and anxious.  I find myself worrying that these people reading my application, who don't know me as anything other than a pile of papers, will stand in the way of the future I want.  I wish there was a way to show them what kind of kick ass ob/gyn I will become, if only they will give me a chance.  And to make them understand why I need to leave the South for training.

Maybe tomorrow will bring another invite or two?  Or an interview from one of the wait-lists I'm impatiently sitting on?  Please?

Not enough lexapro in the world

I'm pretty sure there is nothing that can cut through the dense anxiety that has built up around waiting for residency interviews.  I am trying my best to limit the amount of times I check my email (goal: no more than every 5 minutes), replace stress eating with healthier activities (goal: stop buying chocolate and go to the gym), and have conversations that are not related to interview invites (goal: talk about something else, ANYTHING else).  I'm doing decently well on going to the gym but failing by compulsively checking my email and preservative in conversations with friends.  Things like student doctor network's discussion board where people post what invites they are getting absolutely does not help in any way.  I know it is limited to a few obnoxious people positing anyway and is not reflective to what is actually going on, and yet, like an addictive drug I keep going back for hits.  It is the only connection I can find with what is going on behind the magic curtain. 

I got to spend this weekend back in my old, premedical school, stomping ground.  I've gotten to cuddle infants and chase toddlers that have been born while I have been nose deep in books.  I am finally seeing houses that have been purchased and roots that have been planted while I've been on the wards.  I feel blessed to be embraced so warmly back by this community, but also, even more aimless and unsettled.  Where will I be come June?  Will I still be on track to a career as an ob/gyn?  Will I be living in a city of my dreams*?  Will I be making friends with my co-residents or feeling like I don't belong?  So much unknown.  Ah! 

I keep thinking it'll be better if I get 1 more interview invite.  And then I do, or I don't, and it doesn't feel better.  I just want more.  More.  MORE.  Plus, then I get a rejection or two, or three as was the case last week, and I want to curl into a ball and cry.  Clearly rejections are going to come, but why can't all the invites come first? 

Is this process crazy making for all 4th years or am I am exception?  I no longer seem to have a grasp on reality.  


*there are currently 4 or 5 cities of my dreams.  So far I have a single interview in 1 of these cities.  I am desperately hoping for more.  At least 1 interview in each city, and maybe even 2 or 3 in some of these cities.  Please? Pretty please?

6 months

6 months ago I was just starting to accept the newness of a breakup from the woman I hoped to marry
Today I am still struggling to heal, but the edges aren't as ragged as they were

6 months from now (2 days ago to be exact) I will match into a residency program
Today I am patiently anxiously waiting for interview invites, and continuing to grow increasingly anxious every day

An emotional 6 months behind me and an emotional 6 months to come.  Praying that I have the strength to turn the anxiety into productive energy.  That I exercise instead of eat, that I force myself to go out instead of cowering in the corner, that I embrace the blessings to be found in uncertainty.   May the next 6 months be filled with continued healing, travel, and adventure!

Another 4th year milestone

I certified and submitted my ERAS application today to an obscene number of programs.  Somehow, miraculously, my personal statement was completed and all my letters of recommendation were uploaded in time.  After all the dramatic buildup, it felt hugely anticlimactic.  

Now I get to sit by the [smart] phone and anxiously await [interview] dates. Here is to hoping that the next few months are filled with many plane flights, cross country journeys, meeting many new people, and seeing old friends along the way! 

In the meantime, tomorrow I'm reestablishing care with a therapist.  I know that I'm going to need good support in place to get through the guaranteed uncertainty of the coming months. It was strange to realize in shul yesterday that I have no earthly idea whatsoever where I will be next year for the chagim. I'm trying to embrace all the possibilities and am optimistic that the therapist will bring some useful tools too.  And the adventure continues...