The most repetitive lesson of medical school

1. If it doesn't make sense, or you don't know how to do it, fake it 
2. Just keep faking it and moving forward
3. If you fake it long enough, it will eventually make sense / you'll figure it out
4. As soon as it makes sense it will be time to move on to the next thing that doesn't yet make sense*
5. Repeat

It amazes me how many times this cycle has repeated itself during my medical school experience.  And yet, it still continues to repeat. 

*Sometimes, you actually have to move on before you realize it makes sense, but then you move on and that last thing just "clicks".  Slightly out of order but the process still holds true.

Impostor syndrome

impostor

noun fraud, cheat, fake, impersonator, rogue, deceiver, sham, pretender, hypocrite, charlatan, quack, trickster, knave (archaic), phoney or phony (informal) He was an imposter who masqueraded as a doctor.

Collins Thesaurus of the English Language – Complete and Unabridged 2nd Edition. 2002 © HarperCollins Publishers 1995, 2002

Imposter syndrome is a common phenomenon among medical students.   A malignant idea that you aren't actually smart enough to be a medical student, don't have what it takes to be a doctor, and were just accepted to medical school because someone accidentally confused your file with someone else.  

I struggled a lot with impostor syndrome when I was struggling through gross anatomy my first year, and again when I was retaking step 1.  It currently seems that surgery is bringing on another flair up.  Left unchecked, it can be a crippling condition and self fulfilling prophecy.

The acute onset began during an M&M presentation I had to do on friday.  I stumbled over my words.  Unable to present an orderly case and lacking the clinical terminology I have been taught to use.  It was a fine presentation but very elementary in nature.  Sure, I'm a medical student, of course my presentations wont be as crafted as my superiors.  However, I was sub-par to my contempariers in presentation style.  This event coming on the heals of receiving my mediocre pediatric shelf exam score, and immediately prior to not knowing the answer to the ONLY question I was asked by my attending that day just left me feeling defeated. Acute events of impostor syndrome lead me into a tail spin of desperation: just skidding by on my rotations, not matching for residency, culminating in unemployment and failure. Destructive thinking.

Hopefully this week I'll prove my knowledge and abilities, both to my attendings and to myself.  I sure as hell could use a confidence boost right about now.