Sub-i self evaluation

1. I want to be the best sub-I they have ever had, to be perfect
2. I get loquacious when I'm nervous
3. I seem to always be nervous during my days on the wards
4. When I get loquacious, I tend to talk about myself or tell personal stories that relate to whatever is going on
5. I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear these stories & I should just shut my mouth
6. But then I get more nervous, and more loquacious
7. Even when I make a conscious effort to not be loquacious, I still manage to over talk & over share
8.  I blame it on being an extrovert & wanting to connect --> I want to connect to people
8.  I LOVE obstetrics and get excited that I get to be doing this
9.  My excitement makes me seem young (according to the PGY2 who couldn't believe I'm older than him because I'm so "eager")
10. Partially because I love what I'm doing, and partially because I don't really know anyone in this city, 14 hour days at work are amazing but weekends off are proving rough
11. After this experience, I would highly recommend doing aways in cities where you have connections.  Without such connections, this feels way too isolating and more nerve-racking. 
12. I try way to hard to seem smart, knowledgeable, & capable which makes me less of all 3 of these
13. If nothing else, my goal is to at least be helpful in order to make my residents' lives easier
14. It is pretty difficult to be useful at a new institution where you can't even find your way through the hallways of the hospital or figure out how to use their computer system
15. I am far from perfect
16. I strongly believe that only perfect sub-Is honor, and therefor there is no chance I will honor
17. I fear that high-passing my sub-I(s) instead of honoring will mean that I don't match in OB/GYN
18. Again, back to #1, I wish I was perfect

A week in the life of a MS4, edition 1 (July - August)

Tomorrow: - Last day of this first away sub-i
                   - First residency interview (at the program I've been doing the sub-i at)

Weekend:   Pack up from where I've been living all year into my car

Early Next week: Drive 3000 miles in 3-4 days

6 days from now: Start next sub-I at a totally different program type of program, in a totally different State, in a city I've never really spent time in, with totally different expectations of me that I do not yet know.

Oh, and all the while, I need to be working on my ERAS application.  

And this my friends is med school.  As soon as you get comfortable in your current situation, you're shoved into something new & different that you're totally not prepared for.  The strange part?  I am so grateful for this life and love it all.  Bring it on!

Halfway through

I'm 2 weeks into my first, of two, audition rotation.  It's both wonderful to be back doing full time patient care and also making me realize how much I forgot over the past year.  I couldn't even remember how to write a procedure note today!  Opps!

Mostly, it just feels like I am on a proprietorial first date.  Complete will all the nervousness, uncertainty, over-analyzing, and retelling of the "he said/ she said" to close confidants.  I just want the program to like me and ask me out on another date (or to match for residency)!

July 1, 2013

First day of my first away rotation.  So far, so good. 

ERAS opened today, so it is also my first day of officially starting the residency application process.  

A year from today (hopefully) will be my first day as a resident. 

Object Permanence

Last month, after reading Julia Levy's article about going on 30 first dates in the month before she turned 30, I decided that I also needed to set such a goal.  Mine: to have 30 first dates, or at least new introductions, in the next 10 months before I turn 30.  This is my way of dealing with the most recent breakup.  This is also my way to telling the world that I am fully open and willing to meet someone special (again). 

Really though, I'm scared of turning 30 single.  I'm even more scared of starting residency single.  What if I end up in a place without queer Jews to date?  When will I have time to meet people in residency?!  What if I meet someone living elsewhere, and neither of us can move until residency is over?  Who will support me through the hell of the transition into residency?  Who will be the first person I share my match results with?!  Anyhow, I digress.

One month into this mission and I'm at 2 of 30:
1. The first was an email introduction from a friend which has led to some nice conversation back and forth.  It is enjoyable but who knows when we'll ever actually meet face-to-face... Pointless?  Maybe.  But a least the emails are fun to write and read.
2. The second was a coffee date this morning with someone I met online.  She was lovely and conversation was easy, but, and it is a big BUT, I'm only here another week before embarking on 2 months of aways.  She's only here for the summer.  Is she worth changing my schedule around (sacrificing sleep) to try to see her again?  I don't think so.

Now I'm wondering if this is a futile mission all together.  My 4th year schedule has me pretty nomadic for the entirety of the year.  While I am not opposed to long distance relationships, long distance dating is a whole other creature.  An unconquerable beast.  How does one date and start a more serious relationship when they don't have any stability to their life and everything is a big unknown?  Knowing what my schedule looks like, and how people react when I talk about my plans for the year, I can't imagine there is any possibility that I won't still be single a year from now.

This one time, during brain surgery...

Today I had the opportunity to watch a neurosurgeon remove (debulk would be a more appropriate term) a really nasty & invasive brain tumor.  The following conversation occurred during the surgery:

Neurosurgeon (NS): What year are you?
Me: I'm a 4th year, sir.
NS: First, don't call me sir.  Second, what are you going into?
Me: Obstetrics
NS: Really, ob/gyn?  That's too bad.  When I first met you I had thought you very intelligent. 
silence

Then, post surgery:
Me: Thank you for letting me scrub in.
NS: Of course.  It was great having you in the case, and nice meeting you.  I still think you're making a stupid specialty choice though!

And so begins the ob/gyn bashing that I have heard so much about.

On another note - two interesting new stories today about reproductive health.  First a story on the Turn Away Study and the second was ACOG bringing attention to HR 1797, the District of Columbia Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act, which is progressing in the house.  This bill would ban abortions after 20 weeks, leading to more "turn aways" and issues with access.  While it is specific to DC, it could set an ugly precedent. So glad that this is how congress is spending their time, and our tax payer money, instead of doing things like dealing with the ongoing sequestration.  Ugh!

Pride

I was sitting in the car this afternoon with my mom on the way home from the airport (I'm home for a quick weekend between finishing my research year and resuming MS4), when she retold a story about an encounter that happened this week where someone wanted her to sign a "gay rights" petition.   She retold how she told the organizer "yes, I support gay rights, my daughter's gay."  

I've been out to here for 13 years and never once have I heard her say those words.  What a long way we've come...

Happy pride ya'll!  Instead of going to dyke march & pride, I'm spending this shabbos resting and enjoying some quiet time (& kick the cold that has been trying to attack all week).  The next 11 weeks are going to bring a whole heck of a lot of transition back to med school and being my best on away rotations.  Time to rest up before the fun begins!